Going Around Again

This is difficult, I feel like I’m admitting defeat.

It’s been a while since I came off of my OCD medication, a month or so now. After the withdrawal was over, things were ok. I managed to keep it all together mentally and I had a new-found energy. One of the reasons I came off of medication in the first place was that although it made the obsession-compulsion cycle go away for the most part, it left me with little energy to actually do anything and I had trouble sleeping. Some good eating, exercise, yoga and meditation practices helped keep everything at bay, for a while at least.

Then, slowly but surely, I began to wear myself down again, allowing small compulsions to sneak up on me without really noticing. Frustration rising when I can’t do what I need to do, leading to anger. A permanent restlessness, as if there’s something that my body thinks it needs to do but my mind hasn’t quite worked out what it is yet.

The worst part might be not realising that I’m being crazy, the need to complete a cycle can be overwhelming to the point where I don’t really pay attention to how I’m treating those around me. Or perhaps the worst part is feeling as though I have to pick a medication side affect and stick with it, because nothing will ever be exactly right no matter how I deal with things.

It’s back to the drawing board. More appointments, more therapy, more medication.

9 Comments

  1. Oh, I’m sorry to hear this. I went rounds trying to find the right meds for my anxiety. It was stressful and made me more than a bit crazy. Big hugs to you. I hope you find something that works.
    Mom in High Heels´s last post ..RTT- The World Cup Edition

    • Thanks. I’ve been through 3 different ones so far, my doctor just PCS’d recently too so blergh. I liked her and am kind of nervous about someone new.

      I think Hubby and Mikey are kinda sick of my ups and downs too (I *know* the husband is at least, I presume Mikey is!). Generally speaking I don’t do well on medication of any kind (birth control, pain meds, anything really, my body hates it) but in this case I don’t do well without either!
      Satakieli´s last post ..Going Around Again

  2. Although I teach college, I have my MA in psychology…and I say, “better living through chemistry!” You are not defeated…if you had diabetes, would you not treat it? As a clinician, I’ve worked with so many people who torture themselves needlessly because someone planted a seed that medication is bad? You do what is right for you and your family. My thoughts are with you…feel good!
    a.
    Monked & Fifed´s last post ..thou shall not wear bangs

    • Thank you. I know exactly where you’re coming from and I’ve used the same argument myself, it just seems different to me somehow with mental illness. I feel as though if it’s in my brain then I’m making it up and therefore must be able to fix it… does that make sense?

      Also as I said in a previous comment, my body just does not like medication of any kind. Birth control, pain medication, the meds I used to take for my skin problems, they all seem to put something else out of whack!
      Satakieli´s last post ..Going Around Again

  3. You need to do what is best for you. Defeated is the last thing you should feel when you’re headed back to the drawing board! You have a family that loves you deeply and the discernment to know that you need to try something different. There is no shame in try, try again. I totally know it sucks to struggle but the fact that you are able to interpret those struggles into seeking new resources and revisiting old resources is awesome.

    I’ll be thinking of you in the weeks to come as you continue on your search.

    <3
    tristan´s last post ..mi querida argentina

  4. As someone else who is struggling with OCD, I know how this can feel and I just want to say that it isn’t defeat at all. These things do not fix themselves overnight and it takes time, and struggle, and staking out on some scary paths before we can overcome it. I don’t like the medicine either… and I have been off (and suffering) because of it. But being on it wasn’t making me happy either.

    I don’t have the answers, but just hang in there the best you can. Just know it isn’t defeat, because the mere fact that you wrote that post is proof that you are still learning to deal with it, which is the opposite of defeat!
    Christina (Ume)´s last post ..Wordless Wednesday 12 Chiyogami Paper Stash

  5. I’m not very familiar with OCD but I really hope you’ll feel better soon, girl and I’m sorry you are going through a rough time, it must be hard with a toddler around. Hugs!

  6. It is so unfair that we – those of us who deal with the issue – consider the ONE organ that can actually REFLECT on its own malady to be different from any other organ. If your kidneys weren’t working right, you’d just deal with it, right?

    I hear you about the side effects. It’s always a balancing act.

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