This is difficult, I feel like I’m admitting defeat.
It’s been a while since I came off of my OCD medication, a month or so now. After the withdrawal was over, things were ok. I managed to keep it all together mentally and I had a new-found energy. One of the reasons I came off of medication in the first place was that although it made the obsession-compulsion cycle go away for the most part, it left me with little energy to actually do anything and I had trouble sleeping. Some good eating, exercise, yoga and meditation practices helped keep everything at bay, for a while at least.
Then, slowly but surely, I began to wear myself down again, allowing small compulsions to sneak up on me without really noticing. Frustration rising when I can’t do what I need to do, leading to anger. A permanent restlessness, as if there’s something that my body thinks it needs to do but my mind hasn’t quite worked out what it is yet.
The worst part might be not realising that I’m being crazy, the need to complete a cycle can be overwhelming to the point where I don’t really pay attention to how I’m treating those around me. Or perhaps the worst part is feeling as though I have to pick a medication side affect and stick with it, because nothing will ever be exactly right no matter how I deal with things.
It’s back to the drawing board. More appointments, more therapy, more medication.